Today is the Republican and Democratic primary across Oklahoma, but experts think Oklahomans will vote straight party Republican by default in November. Researchers and political scientists at the University of Phoenix have come to the conclusion that Oklahoma should probably have a machine at polling stations that simply votes straight party Republican when each citizen enters the door, “triggered by an electric eye or something so that they can just save time.”
Ginger Dumas, an 18 year old convenience store worker, says: “Republican money policy works really well. What they do is give tax breaks to the big corporations. These big corporations, who have our best interests at heart, then take that money and pass it down to us. It’s a win-win because the corporations are not greedy at all and probably deserve all that profit. It’s the responsibility of the middle class to bear most of the tax burden, anyway. They asked for it.”
On education, most voters feel that teachers “don’t really know anything even though they have a ‘degree’ in that” and the Republican leaders “have the right idea” that students should take seven tests in one week of the year (usually a month before instruction ends) so that the voters can know that teachers are doing their job. As one voter, Donnie Howell, put it: “If teachers are doing their job, these multiple tests in April, right after prom night, should be a good indicator of how much our kids know about certain subjects. The kids will do a good job on the tests because their teacher’s jobs depend on the success of these tests. This is a good idea thought up by some really good dentists and people who have been in a high school classroom for four years when they were teenagers. You know…experts.”
Evangelicals are expected to vote default Republican as well because Oklahomans believe most Republican candidates “love Jesus” and always make laws that “Jesus would like”. When asked about the role of church and state in state government, Bernie Drake, local supporter of things that explode, said: “Jesus intended for us to have God in the government. We need to get God in the White House, too, so why not the capital building. It’s what God wants.” When asked about the communal nature of early Christian churches, and that Jesus said “Give unto God what is God’s and Caesar what is Caesar’s”, Bernie sniffed and then said: “I don’t know. I can’t really read the King James. I just let my preacher explain it to me.” When asked about the Democratic party, Mr. Drake became very un-Christian. We won’t print his comments here.
An Oklahoma Democrat was reached for comment, but he hid from us for about three hours before finally admitting his allegiance to the “party of Obama”. He would not be identified, but he votes regularly, and feels ashamed. We found an Independent voter, but his orderlies were changing his bedding and he was in solitary confinement.
Voter turn-out is expected to be about normal, and there will be several people who don’t go to the polls who will complain about the votes being cast today and in November. It is believed that surely the Republican party will listen to these non-voters because in their grand benevolence and love for the “common man”, they will listen to the many angry posts on their Facebook pages. After all, Facebook is seen by Oklahoma voters as the authority in political truth and is at all times fair and balanced.
This satire (in case you didn’t know) is written by an Independent voter, who is not affiliated with anything or anyone. He just wanted you to laugh. He hopes you did, and if you are an Oklahoman, he wants you to read carefully the stance of each candidate, and above all things vote your conscience, not what others tell you to vote.